Afterlife
by Girl With The Dandelion
Summary: Ishida's reflection on Yoshino's death.


**Author's Note: This is my first shot at a Bleach fanfiction, so I apologize if its awful. On another note, I'm only on episode 80-somethin on Bleach. As a matter of fact, only like 4 episodes after Yoshino died, so please, please, PLEASE no spoilers!!!!!**

A starless night. How sad. It was strange, having no light. I was used to the darkness of course, but never in a literal way. It was a night of no moon, and clouds covered the twinkling stars. All in all, a very dark and dismal night. The cold chill whipping through the trees only added to the drear. It fit perfectly with my mood. The veil of depression I felt was actually unsettling. Sure, I'd been sad before, but lately, I just didn't see a reason to keep going on. If it weren't for the faces I kept seeing in my mind every time I thought life was too meaningless to continue on for, I probably would have let go and joined the one I loved in eternal slumber a long time ago. I had only known Yoshino for a small amount of time, but her selflessness she had still awes me.

She had been so hurt by that bastard Kariya, and yet she still managed to shine. Something Renji once said to Ichigo struck my mind. He had been talking about Rukia. He said, "She lived in the darkest depths and still sparkled." That was Yoshino. She came from such a horrific background, living through some of the darkest ages, having her heart broken by someone she had changed her entire life for, someone who turned his back on her without a second thought. It amazed me how perfect she really was. Being a Bounto was no easy path, and although I couldn't fully understand the difficulty behind that life, Yoshino made it clear that living forever only killed her. She had told me that she had actually wanted to die, to see that long life slip away.

Yoshino had in fact died, and her death only brought misery. Kariya was missing, escaped into the Hueco Mundo. And the only way he had managed to run away was using Yoshino's soul. How dare he?!? How dare he take her away from me? I was only just beginning to get to know her, just beginning to love her. Who am I kidding, I had loved her right form the start, even when I thought she was evil, she was still captivating. As I got to know her more, as I was able to save her and be with her, I fell in love. I'd heard heartbreak was awful, but I didn't know it turned someone into an unfeeling creature, undeserving of what was existing in his life. I had no idea how incapacitating heartbreak was. My heart didn't even feel broken. It didn't feel at all; non-existent was what it felt like, if that can even be considered a feeling.  
Yoshino had brought a new purpose to my life. After I lost everything for the sake of a friend, I had thought I was useless, nothing to the world. And then Yoshino showed me that I had some level of importance. She showed me that it wasn't the length of your life that made you important, but rather the choices you make in regards to it. Yoshino had made some wrong decisions, but she made up for them with amazingly good ones. She had fought so hard to bring down the evil she had once fought so hard to help. That alone made her amazing. But it wasn't only her comeback. It was her ability to shine, through her shattered persona, to make me have hope. I hadnt been able to feel hope when I lost my Quincy abilities, but she had managed to instill faith in me. I'm not even sure she was trying.

When I saw her fall, when she was in my arms dying, the walls of goodness and hope she had built inside of me fell apart. Life, meaning, purpose, gone. Nothing made sense to me. It still doesn't. I couldn't believe I had fallen in love with her so quickly, and so deeply, but it had happened. And nothing and no one could ever repair the damage Kariya has done to me. I didn't even have a body to bury. Nothing. She disintegrated in my arms. I only had the clothes she was wearing and Orihime had taken them from me when I had fallen, clutching them. I still don't know what she'd done with them, but I was too afraid to ask. I assume she's buried them, or burned them. No one could understand my attachment, my devotion, to Yoshino. They saw her as a Bounto, an enemy. I had managed to express the truth of Yoshino to Rukia and Ichigo, but I could tell no one else fully understood. Oh, they knew I loved Yoshino, anyone could see that, but they didn't know why.

At first, I didn't either. But now, everything made sense to me. I hate that her death is what fully opened my eyes to my love for her, but it is what it is. Yoshino had hated her life. She hated the very idea of being alive. She had finally found her peace through death I supposed. However, I couldn't help but feel hurt. I knew Yoshino didn't love me like I loved her, it wasn't possible. So I was hurt that I wasn't enough to make her want to live. Although, Yoshino hadn't been happy. So, I had been selfish. Death was what she had wanted, with a life of misery following her everywhere she went. I was selfish to want to keep her for myself. If her succeeding in her one goal, no matter the pain it caused me, brought her home, then so be it. I wouldn't let myself mourn. But I didn't have a choice. I had lost my love.

* * *

I looked down at Ishida from Soul Society. Who knew I'd wind up here, of all places. I guess Bounto really do stand a chance of normalcy in the afterlife. I felt tears slide down my face. In my quest to end my life, I hadn't realized I had a reason to live. Ishida was that reason. I was so used to pursuing Death, I hadn't realized I had really begun to wish for life. A life with Ishida for as long as humanly possible. Humanity was all Ishida and I would have been able to have though. He couldn't live forever. I would have had to watch him grow old, slowly die. At least then though, I would have gotten to be with him. From here, I had to watch him, going through some sort of pain, and I could do nothing for him. I wondered what was wrong. He seemed so...lost. That was one of the bad things about this haven I was in. You couldn't hear those you love, or communicate. Just watch. And I would forever watch my love. I let myself escape him, because I was living with a veil over my eyes. I had blinded myself. And now, all I could was watch. Watch and wait for him to die. What a miserable life. Afterlife.

I looked up at the stars, visible in the clear sky. The full moon shone brightly over the section I was in. Everything was always the opposite with Ishida and myself. Night and day. In this literal case, moon and stars or lack thereof. Well no more. I would be with him again. He would know how I felt. And I'd apologize to him as well, for letting myself die before I knew I wanted to live. For him. From thereon, it will always be for him.


End file.
